I’m in a pretty steady up and down pattern right now. Two weeks on, up, positive, and clear. Two weeks wrestling anxiety like two feral cats fighting over a cardboard box. That box is also my head. It’s tricky. I mean, I’m in the good two weeks right now, so I use words like tricky. Tricky is a pretty cute word, as opposed to words like “debilitating”. That is one of my favorite words in the down swing. It’s weird to say that I feel joyful then, right? I am just feeling that joy through a lens of anxiety or not, depending on the week.
In the midst of last week’s mega anxiety fest, I was PISSED about sobriety. After almost 2 years without drinking, the sight of a cold glass of white wine in the sunshine was making me feel a type of way. A type that people do not find enjoyable to be around. A way I haven’t felt in maybe a year or so. You know how it feels when you’re annoyed with yourself? That is how I feel when I get crabby about sobriety. It’s like watching a child act like a brat when they open a perfectly lovely present and chuck it at the floor because it’s not the toy their baby-friend has. Sobriety is the gift, I am the brat.
And then, on top of all of that bratty anxiety, I suddenly feel like going to AA? I have never been to AA. I have yet, as I type, attended an AA meeting. I am vehemently opposed to the idea of sitting around and telling people that I’m always going to be a broken addict. Is that what AA is like? Asking for a me. So this AA thing is nagging at me, like a sign from the universe, which are usually not the easiest messages to accept. The universe doesn’t tell me to go treat myself to a cup of coffee or take more naps. It tells me to rip my life apart in favor or something better, and other such dramatic stuff….hello quitting drinking, thank you universe…I heard you. Anyone else just think AA sounds awful but then you wonder if maybe some real flesh and blood sober community might be nice?
Speaking of the universe, and things that come swirling out of it, I talked to a friend who I think of as being from “another life”. He’s a friend who I haven’t seen in sobriety, but who was wildly important to me before. By chance/social media, I found out that he and I had gotten sober within a few months of each other. We tread lightly, sending good vibes and hellos. It’s a gift, really. Maybe from the universe. Here is a friend who I thought I had lost, and I did…but he came back in another form, in this other life, as a new friend. And of course, he goes to AA. Because the universe is kind sometimes, and tries to soften the blow of these harsh messages with kind messengers.
Here’s the thing: Sobriety, or rejecting your specific mask, opens up all of the wounds. It was the way I healed the parts that hurt the most. But once you open that door, your mind, to the possibilities, they can be raw and scary. I think there is a chance that this is just what it feels like to have a “rich human experience”, as my friend says. Rich isn’t happiness necessarily, it’s just full. It’s not bad, it’s just vibrant, and kind of blinding, and dizzying. Some weeks feel like total shit, but I know it’s better than staying in the dark.